The PS3 Slim: We hardly knew ye

The PS3 Slim: We hardly knew ye
Finally!
Finally! "Real" proof!

I couldn’t believe my eyes this morning when I opened up the latest K-Mart catalogue, I was shocked beyond belief.

First of all, what the hell were those pamphlet people thinking? Delivering to a “No Junk Mail” signed letterbox? And on a Sunday? Something hardcore must be going down.

Then sure enough I was hit by yet a second surprise, a surprise so surprising, it managed to surprise attack my first surprise completely by surprise (and decimate it for critical damage!).

There was a listing for the PlayStation 3 Slim console in this catalogue! No! Really! Take a look for yourself at the completely undoctored original catalogue that I “scanned” in to my computer!

Convincing, no? Hot damn, that looks like one slim-ass console.

So you may have been reading around the web in only a hundred or so different places, rumours and “proof” of the PS3 Slim console. It’s in production. Contract have been signed. It’s being announced soon! Real soon!

You can even pre-order it now, if you’d like!

So we all know that the PlayStation 3 Slim is a real product, with real feelings, but we haven’t actually heard any official word from Sony themselves regarding it’s release. But it’s being released really damn soon, like next Thursday, I heard, so why the secrecy on Sony’s part? I can only assume it’s to avoid the havoc created by millions of old PlayStation 3 consoles simultaneously being flung out of windows and into the streets as soon as the announcement is made.

But we gamers want the details, right? So using our top sources (asking weirded out strangers on a train), we’ve put together a comprehensive fact sheet of PS3 Slim details:

  • PS3 Slim is thin. Like, swizzle-stick thin. No shit.
  • This badass has not one, not two, but three God-damn Blu-Ray drives, God-damn. Rays are so God-damn blue up in this sculpted Adonis of a console.
  • Forget your 120gig model, this perfume-modelling beast crams 312gig into a hard drive the size of an gin soaked olive.
  • It’s widely accepted that Duke Nukem Forever is being developed exclusively for the PS3 Slim, and unlike previous incarnations, Slim always has enough gum to go around.
  • Sony is launching a PS3 Slim in a space probe, which will hopefully one day reach an alien civilisation and prove to them how much humanity would fuck them up at KillZone 2.
  • PS3 Slim has more processing power than even God could count. Does that make you uncomfortable?
  • You can trade your old, outdated PlayStation 3 console in to your local EB Games or GameStop for a new PS3 Slim, provided you include at least 56 games (selected titles only).
  • Slim takes interconnectivity to the next level, with lightning fast WiFi hi-fi Bluetooth 3.0+ connections for your HD-TV, PC, PSP and CC’s. This allows you to game, watch television, download anime torrents and eat corn chips at the same time. Thank almighty Xenu!
  • PS3 Slim buyers can choose from a range of colours: Classic Black, Gloss Black, Flat Black, Pearlescent Black and limited edition Back In Black.
  • Sony certainly won’t release the PS3 Slim for two weeks, then make it obsolete with the new PlayStation 3 “Muscle” console. It’s BEEEEFIER®! Oh my no.

Don’t forget to get your pre-orders in, kids! Sure, we don’t know the price, what it looks like, or when it comes out, but why should that stop anyone? And if you’ve got any more “known” facts about the PS3 Slim, be sure to let me know in the comments!